I think I like the changes, including the ones in parentheses. The only other addition you might consider is somehow tying that (new to us/old to John) image of himself even more tightly to John:
It read now as: "He could have seen such an image for other reasons"
Possible alternatives: "John" for "He", or somehow making it clear the image is of a single person, or of John: "the lonely contours of a man who hadn’t adjusted to" could include a signal that this is John, perhaps by letting a bit of anger slip into the sentence. One possibility: "the lonely contours of a man (abandoned!) who hadn’t adjusted to"
I think moving from both men->SH->JW or both->JW are logical from a psychological standpoint and fits John's character, it's just damn hard to convey that in prose. What you decide depends on how hard you want readers to work, knowing that some fic readers want to lead by the nose pretty much everywhere, while others, like, me love having ambiguity.
no subject
It read now as: "He could have seen such an image for other reasons"
Possible alternatives: "John" for "He", or somehow making it clear the image is of a single person, or of John: "the lonely contours of a man who hadn’t adjusted to" could include a signal that this is John, perhaps by letting a bit of anger slip into the sentence. One possibility: "the lonely contours of a man (abandoned!) who hadn’t adjusted to"
I think moving from both men->SH->JW or both->JW are logical from a psychological standpoint and fits John's character, it's just damn hard to convey that in prose. What you decide depends on how hard you want readers to work, knowing that some fic readers want to lead by the nose pretty much everywhere, while others, like, me love having ambiguity.