I'm so sorry I've left you hanging over this question for so long!
I didn't notice the tense shift until you told me it was there. I think that's because I was swept up so thoroughly by the plot in this chapter. I don't know if a typical reader would react as I did and miss the tenses, or whether it would leap out.
1) So did you want the reader to see the first parts of this chapter as the past, with the present beginning with the elevator scene?
2) One possible alternative would be to make the scenes w/ SH alone past tense and the others present tense, or maybe vice versa, but if the answer to 1) is yes, then you'll not want to make the change. I suspect the best option would be whatever you're trying to communicate here, or trying to make most powerful. I keep going back and forth in my mind wondering if your decision is the best choice to maximize the tension, or if you should consider playing with the tenses in the earlier scenes. If you do play around, I'm going to be paranoid and remind you to save each version separately. You could send me a file if you want me to see how any change impacts my feeling for the chapter. Or you could talk to eagle-eye Aderyn for a second opinion, especially once her schedule calms down a bit.
There are some places where the past tense creeps back in after you made the switch to the present tense. One example is "John sighed. “I know what Sherlock can convince people to do.”
“What?” Greg said and it wasn’t clear if he were addressing Mike or John. “All this time?”
I'm assuming these are typos rather than a deliberate choice.
I see you are participating in Holmestice and Sherlockmas. I look forward to reading more of your work!
no subject
I didn't notice the tense shift until you told me it was there. I think that's because I was swept up so thoroughly by the plot in this chapter. I don't know if a typical reader would react as I did and miss the tenses, or whether it would leap out.
1) So did you want the reader to see the first parts of this chapter as the past, with the present beginning with the elevator scene?
2) One possible alternative would be to make the scenes w/ SH alone past tense and the others present tense, or maybe vice versa, but if the answer to 1) is yes, then you'll not want to make the change. I suspect the best option would be whatever you're trying to communicate here, or trying to make most powerful. I keep going back and forth in my mind wondering if your decision is the best choice to maximize the tension, or if you should consider playing with the tenses in the earlier scenes. If you do play around, I'm going to be paranoid and remind you to save each version separately. You could send me a file if you want me to see how any change impacts my feeling for the chapter. Or you could talk to eagle-eye Aderyn for a second opinion, especially once her schedule calms down a bit.
There are some places where the past tense creeps back in after you made the switch to the present tense. One example is "John sighed. “I know what Sherlock can convince people to do.”
“What?” Greg said and it wasn’t clear if he were addressing Mike or John. “All this time?”
I'm assuming these are typos rather than a deliberate choice.
I see you are participating in Holmestice and Sherlockmas. I look forward to reading more of your work!